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Jun. 3rd, 2010



I just can't bring myself to delete my LJ. Every once in awhile I'm like "OMG LJFLIST!" and read as far back as it lets me (not nearly enough) and then feel bad for not reading it as it happened. And then wonder what else I missed. Sigh.

Also, June sucks.

May. 18th, 2010



Well... I am thinking of starting a for reals blog and deleting my LJ. I never write here anymore, and I haven't even been keeping up with my Flist D:

Apr. 19th, 2010


N-E-G-L-E-C-T! (Just a little bit)

I don't even know why I'm posting right now, except to say that I feel bad for not being on LJ in the past month or so

Feb. 6th, 2010


Going to the Chapel...

Planning a wedding is hard.

We have themes and idea about what time of the year to have the wedding, but we have to find the right venue. And this is no easy task.

Online today, I found a venue I fell in love with. The only problem is that they do not accept outside catering and, though their food looks amazing, it is just not feasible to serve their food. The cost of their most frugal dinner for 100 people (I would like a smaller wedding, but I am using 100 as an estimate until we get the guest list sorted) costs almost what I wanted our budget to be.

God, maybe I should just let my dad pay for the wedding. It's ridiculous!

In a perfect world, I would find a cute and moderately-priced venue that holds the amount of people I need, will let me bring in my own caterer, and will provide the basics of decorations and let me take it from there.

I have so many ideas for decor and wedding favours that I would like to make, but a lot of wedding venues are really strict about what you can and cannot do. It's really very frustrating.

I want to combine the wedding ceremony and reception and dinner into one. I would like it to be a party; people come in, have fun, have some snacks and drinks, then the music goes off and we say our vows (20 minutes tops) before the party resumes and dinner comes out. This is exactly how I want my wedding to go. The problem is that NOBODY DOES THIS so venues and coordinators don't like it. They want to follow their plans.

I'd like to have an October wedding, ideally the day before Hallowe'en. We'd like to have a Hallowe'en-themed wedding, and for the wedding party, we would all dress up in 30's/40's vintage looks; Eric in a pinstriped, wide-tailored suit (maybe a fedora!) and me in a glamorous dress I am designing. The groomsmen would also be in swanky suits, complete with fedoras and spats, and my bridesmaids would all be wearing pretty dresses with faux fur stoles and pearls and kitten heels. Guests could come however they like, they could be dressed up for a wedding, dressed up in our theme, or even come in a Hallowe'en costume! Instead of a regular dessert table, I'd like to set up a table of those trick-or-treating buckets filled with tons of crazy candy. For a cake, I would love a red velvet cake with chocolate icing tinted almost black, even cupcakes would be cool. Aw, could you imagine cute little candy devil horns on the cupcakes? *SQUEE!*

I would like to rent a hall and have someone come in to cater it, I would decorate it with the help of friends and family. I am still unsure about a lot of things, what I need and don't need. I am finding websites that say I need this or that and it costs x amount, but I want to pare down costs as much as possible. I don't really want flowers; they are expensive and I am allergic to a lot of them. I might have some as accents, but I think the majority of the centerpieces will be handmade by me.

My father and stepmother want to have my grandma's wedding wings. She says as the oldest grandchild, I have a right to them. I might keep the diamonds and have them put into a new ring, as I don't wear yellow gold, and my fingers are much bigger than hers. I love the thought of having a part of history in my ring though.

I wish my Mom lived here so she could help me plan this wedding. My stepmom would, but she lives in the other end of the city, and it's hard to coordinate these things. I might see if I can go visit them whenever Eric is visiting his daughter and I don't go (I go every two weeks to give them Daddy-daughter time, even though they want me to go every weekend. I just think it's important that they have their time. Also, she exhausts me!)

Actually, yeah, that is a good idea, I will ask her about that.

Jan. 20th, 2010


Not dying... YET!

Just got back from the doctor's office... Man, I forgot how long the bus ride and walk is! I was 5 minutes late. They don't care, but I do.

SURPRISE! AGORAPHOBIA! Yes, well, diagnosing this in me is like looking at me and saying "Oh, by the way, if you didn't know, you have boobs!"

Long story short, my meds have been doubled (I was on a seriously low dosage that works for me, but with added stress, I need more) and I also need blood work done. HOORAY, ARM BRUISES! Hope they can find a vein this time. Ow.

So anyways, in light of this astounding diagnosis, I am thinking I will do mah schooling online, so that I don't have a brain attack and stay home for no reason. Which I have been doing at least weekly. Ugh.


That's the one :)

BTW I just have a cold - the doctor's appointment was just for an update on my mental well-being. And I also got a measles/mumps shot! Hooray! Ow.

In case you hadn't heard...

...The Smashing Pumpkins are releasing 44 free tracks for download on smashingpumpkins.com

There are two up right now. I actually really love one of them! I think that the way they're releasing them is awesome and I would totally buy one of the (very) limited EP's once they are for sale.

I was a little shocked when I went to the site, it looked like something I would have made back in high school (though mine would have been darker, I'm talking about quality) in terms of the background and images, but the album is somehow based on Tarot? I'm going to have to read up on Tarot, I don't remember much about it.

Headin' to the doctor's (ALL THE WAY AT SOUTH KEYS!) to see if I'm dying of measles. I never had it as a kid, but I don't think that this is measles.

Jan. 11th, 2010


Grind... And not the deliciously caffeinated kind!

It's difficult to get back into school but, since Algonquin profs will likely strike come March, I really want to get this over with before then.

Today in class, I found out that this dude I've known since, like, kindergarten or some shit, is in my class. Neat! Not that I really want to interact with people at school, but if I do, at least I can joke around with him.

If all goes well I will be attending Algonquin fulltime in the autumn for business. And I will be going to the same school as my younger brother and sister. SO WEIRD! Also, I'm trying to convince my older brother to go back to school, since he is physically unable to do the kinds of work he used to do. He seems like he might go for it, if he can get to school. Kanata sucks for buses.

I figure, I hate leaving my house, and I hate working for The Man, I would rather BE The Man. And if I have kids, I would have to go on Mat. leave, and I don't want a stranger to raise my kids, so daycare is out. If I have my own business at home, I will never be out of work (unless I desire it) and if I get bored, I can always start up a new business. And I don't have to wear pants.

This is it, no more changing my mind! For reals this time.

Speaking of which, I have to go fill out an application right this second before I forget again.

Dec. 30th, 2009


Amazing Grace

My grandmother's wake was exhausting. I pretty much sat around and hugged and shook hands with people for eight hours. Her funeral was the next day. That was very difficult. My little sister's eulogy was powerful. I read it about an hour before the service and got so choked up, I couldn't speak. I didn't want to cry in front of her because it would be hard enough for her to say it in front of everybody. As it was, she was crying so hard that I'm sure her beautiful words were lost on most of the mourners.

The hardest part, for me, was seeing all of the people I love in pain. I wasn't very close to my grandmother, and I regret that so much now. I was the first grandchild, but I was illegitimate, and my paternal grandparents weren't accepting of this fact. The rest of the children were born in wedlock (even if just barely) and they were welcomed into their lives in a way that I never was. As a child, since my maternal grandmother died before I was born, I thought that grandmothers were just not close to their grandkids; both my maternal and paternal grandfathers were much more loving and attentive to me, so I figured it was just the females. As I got older and my cousins and brother and sister were born, I noticed the difference in how I was treated, and I resented it.

As an adult though, that's no excuse, and I should have extended more effort to get to know them as people. I shouldn't let past family squabbles prevent me from doing that now, so, no matter what my father or stepmother think of the issue, I do want to know more about my family and spend time with my only remaining grandparent, my father's father.

Jesus, I'm crying as I write this. I shouldn't let it get to me.

My stepmother and sister wanted me to look through my grandmother's things to see if there was anything I wanted to keep. It felt very awkward, because I was only invited into my grandmother's apartment in my father's home once, years ago, and then only into her sitting room. It felt weird and much too intimate to be in her bedroom and walk-in closet stuffed to the brim with jewelry, clothing, and shoes, to touch her things and poke through and take what caught my eye. My grandmother had very good taste and there are many attractive baubles, but I feel like, if she was alive, she wouldn't want me there, so it feels wrong to be there now, even though I am asked to. If they press me, I will take a closer look through her rings to see if there is one I might be able to resize to use as a wedding ring or something.

My grandmother was very vain and didn't want to see anyone without her hair, makeup, and clothing immaculate. So it was hard to see her in the hospital, taking her last machine-wrought breaths, with what little white hair she had left standing up off of her head in wild tufts, her beautiful blue eyes staring soullessly into nothing, her emaciated and chemical-ravaged body lying listlessly in pain under rough hospital sheets. To lean in and give her lifeless, empty body a kiss while her flesh was still temporarily warm. It was too intimate. But, for some reason, being around the personal effects that made her comfortable makes me even more uncomfortable. I'll never understand it.

The little I did truly know about my grandmother is gleaned from those who knew her best. My family. I have learned more about my grandmother since her passing than in all of my life. Their loving remembrances of her life will ensure her Amazing Grace will live on.

Dec. 14th, 2009



Today, Freck and I begin the second book in what is now obviously a series of Noodles and Margaret comics. We will take steps to ensure the text is readable.

Stay tuned.

And bring me a sandwich.

Dec. 8th, 2009


Pour ma FESSE I mean FACE

Ima go to Freck's school tonight and let her practice on me.

Waxing (MY POON! HAHA)
And I need a manicure, so maybe we can squeeze that in

Baldy is coming over tomorrow, so he will be installing CS3 and I will finally hook up my tablet to my laptop so I can get my draw on. I kinda want some other art programs though. Suggest?

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